Satisfy the Soul

Yesterday was my Pop's funeral... it was awful and sad. Looking at him... made me feel empty. It broke my heart. I was looking at a shell... the man I knew wasn't there anymore. My Pop passing away has caused me to question everything. Where we go when we die. If he can really see us down here. If there is a heaven and a hell. Do we really meet up with our loved ones when we are in heaven? I'm taking this harder than I realized. It made me miss my childhood to such a painful degree. I remember hints of feelings I used to feel, and it made me long for those feelings again. And wonder why I don't feel them anymore. And wonder why things change. I'm scared. Scared to die. Scared to live. I often think life would be easier if we were alone. I wouldn't be so afraid. I want life to slow down. I want time back... this all hurts too much.

I just keep thinking of his laugh. And how I wish I knew him better. I wish we talked more... saw each other more. I hate this line of thinking. Why does this always come too late? I hate it.

I really love everything about winter, but I feel I really need a day far out in the ocean on a boat with the warm sea air against my face, the smell of the sea, the sound of the waves crashing and the sun beating down on my skin. I need that great feeling of being lost, and away from the rest of the world and having absolutely nowhere to be for hours...

For the service, I made a collage of memories of from my Pop's life. It made me happy and sad to see all these memories starting March of 1937 to now. Beautiful, amazing memories. My Grandmom wanted to highlight his love for the Eagles... in a respectable way. She picked the closing hymn to be "On Eagles Wings," I made wings for the flower arrangement from the Grandkids, the flower arrangements colors, the mass cards and service booklets displayed eagles, the collage was all different shades of green and had an eagle in the center, and finally I made feather keepsakes for all people who attended to remember him.